Naruto Fight Redux
by peridotgardens
Summary: Recaps of various scenes, because they're fun to mock.
1. Naruto vs Sasuke

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Refers to episodes 128-135.

* * *

Sasuke: "I am better than everyone that has ever existed."

Naruto: "Sasuke, I love you! Plz don't be evil?"

Sasuke: "My brother killed his best friend. He is so cool, I wanna be just like him! Hey Naruto, you're my best friend..."

Naruto: "Really? Yay!"

Sasuke: "…so I'm going to kill you."

Naruto: "Nooooooooo!"

Sasuke: "See, I'm kicking your ass without using my freaky eyes. That's just how awesome I am."

Naruto: "But I can walk on water. Like Jesus!"

Sasuke: "Duh, so can everyone else on this show. Also...I am better than Jesus."

Naruto: "I may suck at fighting, but I will win with determination alone! All I have to do is want it bad enough, and…wait a minute, this usually works…shit, why am I not winning?"

Sasuke: "Roar, Ability-Kakashi-Never-Should-Have-Taught-Me-in-the-First-Place!"

Kyuubi: "Damn, you suck. But I don't really feel like dying so I guess I'll help you out."

Sasuke: "WTF is that? No! I'm the special one! Me!"

Naruto: "Special ed, maybe. Because if _I _can see Orochimaru's intentions and you can't, well, there's issues."

Sasuke: "Well, I can make hands come out of my back! I don't see you making extra appendages!"

Naruto: "Ah, my eyes! I can't fight something that ridiculous-looking."

BOOM.

Sasuke: "Have a headband. It can untie itself spontaneously, which is rather handy in situations when you don't feel like wearing a headband."

Kakashi: "Damn, late again. I just couldn't put down the porno. Or keep my Chidori to myself."

Naruto wakes up in the hospital.

Naruto: "I can't wait until these wounds heal! It sure would be fun to repeat the last 7 episodes. If at first you don't succeed…"

Jiraiya: "Oh hells no! Orochimaru is evil, and since he and Sasuke actually are the same person, that makes Sasuke a lost cause. I refuse to allow this idiocy."

Naruto: "They don't call me the #1 Idiot Ninja for nothing! Sasuke! Here I come!"


	2. Team Gai

A/N: I just saw Shippuden episode 28, and I'm completely blown away by the stupidity. Therefore...

* * *

Gai: So we have been fighting copies of ourselves for the last 10 episodes, and are making no progress whatsoever...

Lee: …even though the opponent has no real strategy, and we are familiar with all their attacks…

Tenten: If only someone in this group had an IQ over 50, we might have stood a chance!

Gai: Hey, Neji, it's been at least a minute since I last asked, so -

Neji: No! Do it yourself, I'm busy! Besides, all this eye straining is giving me a headache.

Tenten: I'm running out of scroll!

Lee: No, it's impossible…the enemy…they're…

Gai: Getting stronger!

Tenten: Oh noes! I hadn't noticed until now!

Neji: Idiots. We're just getting weaker. Believe it or not, it's something that happens when you get into a multi-episode fight.

Lee: I don't understand.

Neji: It's ok, I've got diagrams and everything…

Tenten: You guys, this is a serious disadvantage. Man, those Akatsuki guys are good.

Lee: Eureka! I know how to win!

Neji: How?

Lee: It's all so clear to me.

Tenten: Tell us!

Lee: We can beat these guys!

Gai: Lee, if anyone dies now, it's all your fault. Stop wasting time!

Lee: All we have to do is be stronger than them. The key to winning…is not sucking.

Gai: Brilliant!

Neji: I can't believe I didn't see it myself!

Tenten: This changes everything!

Lee: Hold your horses. We all know that the art of pulling strength out of one's ass requires a motivational flashback. So everyone together now…flashback!

Neji: And…cue the "We're Winning" orchestral backing…followed by ass-kicking montage…done!

Gai: Good job, everyone! Team cheer! How about a human pyramid this time?


	3. Sasori

Shippuden episodes 18-27.

* * *

Deidara: The one who yells and charges first! Perfect assessment!

Naruto: What? I haven't even moved!

Deidara: But you were thinking about it. I could tell.

Naruto: Actually, I was thinking about-

Sakura: No one cares, ADD-boy.

Naruto: Hey! I don't have A- oh look! Pretty birdie!

Kakashi: Naruto! You get your ass back here!

Sakura: Let Naruto chase the birds, Kakashi. I'll handle this!

Kakashi: Sakura, this is the _Akatsuki_, not a soap opera. Watching the action then crying over it won't work this time.

Chiyo: It's ok, I'll help fight him. Being Sasori's grandmother, I know his past. That means I've got some painful flashbacks to throw at him!

Sakura: All right! Hey, what's he reading a book for?

Sasori: I thought I'd give you guys so time to strategize. Analyze my puppet, attach strings to one another, wait for backup…

Sakura: Hey, thanks!

Sasori: No prob.

Meanwhile…

Naruto: Tra la la! Come back, birdie!

Kakashi: Gah, I can't take you anywhere.

Back to the cave…

Sasori: I'm a traumatized orphan! Bet you didn't see that coming!

Sakura: We did, actually. Having parents makes you weak. Believe me, I would know.

Sasori: Damn! But you didn't know I was actually a bishounen, right?

Sakura: Got us there.

Sasori: I try. Now quit tearing the cave apart! You're going to break the Jinchuuriki-holder! We kind of need that. Geometry no Jutsu!

Sakura: Oh no, I'm hit! But it's cool, I have antidote. It works for three minutes, which is plenty of time for me to tell you all about how I made it, then heal Chiyo's wounds, then defeat Sasori, then maybe whip up a more permanent antidote.

Sasori: Are you not able to tell time?

Sakura: Sure I can. I'm so good at it that I can keep track of it to the second even while I'm talking or fighting. I have 1 minute, 32 seconds left.

Ten minutes of screentime later…

Sakura: 59 seconds, 58 seconds…

Sasori: Hmm, they're strong. Well, like most of life's problems, this can be fixed by stripping.

Chiyo: He turned himself into a puppet!

Sasori: Awesome, huh? Great minds think alike.

Chiyo: 10-puppet no Justu, away!

Sasori: Anything you can do, I can do better!

Chiyo: Or not.

Sasori: Shit! I knew that scroll wasn't a good place to hide the crappy puppets.

Later, after the battle…

Sakura: 37 seconds, 36 seconds…


End file.
